10 VOICES, 1 STORY : TOAD

NUMBER 1.  The Musical.

“I’m scared!”

“You’re scared?”

“I’m scared.”

“You’re scared.”

“Oh, what a terrible night.”

“But why?”

“Next to the closet.

Upon the faucet.

Sits and croaks

The Mighty Toad!”

“In a cottage in the woods we are

From towns and homes afar.

For God’s sake Looee!

What did you think you’d see?”

Croak croak. Croak croak.

I am the Mighty Toad.

This is my home, you see.

So out of it you must be.

“Mighty Toad indeed!

This house is mine to keep.

And if thou dostn’t, this instant, leave

To my pet snake I will thee feed.”

And so Lady Bree

Grew famous in all the land of Pyree

Along with her pet snake Slymee.

For, she could make the toads flee!

NUMBER 2. A Column in the Papers.

At his Annual Christmas Ball, Prince Curree danced and dined and even had a special dish prepared for Lady Bree, whom he officially recognised as the First Superhero of Pyree. Her pet snake and partner, Slymee, was lavishly fed with toads found in the royal household. Caught on camera at the dinner table, she was seen giving a speech where she said that she had merely stumbled upon her talent and ability to hunt toads while at a retreat in a cottage in the Tropical Woods outside the Capitol with her husband, Looee. She said that this was about a year before she became well-known and at that time, she had only bought Slymee off a pet shop in Moscow. She later stated in an interview outside the palace, “I am honoured to rid my country of the toad infestation that has plagued it for more than a decade.”

NUMBER 3.  At the Dinner Table.

“So, Lady Bree, tell us. What, made you, take up, the profession of Toad Hunting?” Lord Humphree asked, between forkfuls of pancake.

The whole table turned to her. 

“Well, it’s rather ordinary really.” Lady Bree began with a flattened-with-flattery smile. “It was the summer of 2009. Looee and I were taking a break from life at a cottage in the Tropical Woods. It was our rather late honeymoon, you see. We had been to Moscow that New Year to visit an ill aunt of his, right after our marriage. That’s where I bought Slymee.

In the cottage, Looee – I’m sorry dear if it’s a little embarrassing. It is damningly hilarious. – Looee called out to me one night, frightened out of his wits, by a bully of a toad on a faucet. At first I thought it was simply a toad and that I’d simply pick it up and throw it out. But when I approached it, it turned rather vicious and kept snapping at me! It was obnoxious.

So, I brought Slymee to the bathroom.” She finished, with a shrug of her shoulders.

NUMBER 4. Prime Time Celebrity Gossip.

Lady Bree, after five glorious years in the Toad hunting career, is all set to publish her first book. She was spotted wearing this toad-skin outfit at the book release event, which was sponsored by Prince Curree. With hundreds of fans from Pyrree alone, the event was a grand success. In fact, when this picture was taken, Prince Curree was inviting her to his son’s birthday party next month!

In an emotional pre-release speech she gave special thanks to her husband, Looee, whose discovery of an insolent toad on a faucet, in the cottage of their honeymoon retreat five years ago, is where all this began. She also surprised her fans -- and shockingly, even Prince Curree – with the announcement that she’d been approached by Bill Gates who was willing to sponsor her Toad Hunting company. She is all set to go international. Take a look at this exclusive clip.

P.S.: We missed Slymee.

NUMBER 5. A Snippet from ‘The Ultimate Toad Hunting Guide’.

WARNING: POST TOAD-SPOTTING SHOCK CAN LEAD TO HEART FAILURE AND SUBSEQUENT DEATH.

Thus, it is important to have comprehensive knowledge of a Toad before you go hunting.

7 DEADLY FEATURES of a Toad:

• They are heavy. Taking hold of them the wrong way might lead to a wrist sprain; in worst cases, a fracture.
• They are slimy. They will attempt to wriggle out of your hands and slide into your clothes.
• They are malodorous. They leave their stench on your being and your home. It usually takes up to a whole week for the stench to disperse.
• They are spiteful and arrogant. They snap and spit at you if you attempt to reason with them.
• They bite and lick. The points of contact tend to turn sore and develop rashes that can stay up to a month and have no faster cure.
• Their hideouts are the coldest and most visible places. You must look for them in those parts of the house that fulfill both these conditions. For example, a faucet. They do not compromise.
• Their croak echoes and is deceptive as regards the giving away of their location. 

2 ADVANTAGES OF HUMAN over Toad:

• They are afraid of snakes.
• They are afraid of threats. 

NUMBER 6. Not the Frog Prince.

“Mmm... you’re neck tastes so good wet.” She whispered, face buried under his chin, the water trickling down the softness of their skin.

“I know.... I know...” he breathed back, deep in passion, cushioned snugly by the faucet in the steamy shower cabin.

All of a sudden she hardened.

“What’s wrong?” He kissed and caressed.

“My buttocks are slimy.”

He paused and fixed her in a Ross-like stare. They sat still as stones for a few seconds.

It moved.

“Aaaaaaa”

“That thing!”

They were faced by a gigantic croaking toad which had, now that the space was free to use, sprawled itself over the faucet.

“Shoo. Shoooo!” he waved. “Not my toothbrush! Bree!”

 Croak. Croak.

 “Gosh, it won’t budge.”

They paced up and down and racked their brains in their dressing gowns. Till Bree said, “I’ll go get Slymee.” 

NUMBER 7. Lady Bree Makes Her Way Into Folklore.

(In the tune of Sing a Song of Sixpence)

Sing a song of pet snakes

Cottage fulls of slime.

Four hundred twenty proud toads

Slain for their crime.

Perched on the faucet

The toad began to croak.

Now, wasn't that a mighty shock

For Looee, poor old bloke.

When Bree was in the parlour

Feeding pet Slymee

A shout came and startled her

That was from poor Looee.

Mighty Toad snapped at Bree

And Bree in rage did sway

Then forth came the pet snake

And scared it away.

That was how it all began

The Toad hunting spree.

Cured of the mighty plague

Pyrree lived on with glee.

NUMBER 8. Silver and Green.

A fat green toad like a fat green gourd

On a sliver tap did sit and goad.

Dear Looee and Miss Bree,

Leave the cottage and flee.

But Slymee the snake scared away the green gourd.

NUMBER 9. The Toad Grew Old.

I sit here at my old oak desk, in a leaky old age hole, set out to write this memoir. Today is my birthday and I turn ninety one. But back in my prime I was the Chief of Toadee, our tribe, for a whole decade. I’d like to begin my book by recalling those grand times; the Golden Age of the Toads of Pyrree.

For a decade we conquered all creatures on this land. We grew rich and were feared. New laws and pacts were made and the toads became prosperous and the other creatures, peaceful and content with our generosity and the stability we offered. All, except the pests humans who continued to live by their trickery and deceit. We toads took it upon ourselves to banish them from the land.

This proved to be a difficult task indeed. They wouldn't understand law and honesty and harmony. So we went to war. For ten years we kept them checked and took back what they stole. Our forces achieved wonders. I became loved and revered.

Sadly, this was not to last. One day, a couple came to a cottage in our forest. That cottage had been reclaimed by us eight years ago. It was the spiders’ school house and the ladybugs’ warehouse. This couple, however, slaughtered all who were there and destroyed their home.

I attempted to confront them. I had intended to reason and hadn’t taken any soldiers with me. But they didn’t listen. I had to attack and fight alone.

They knew they couldn't fight me. So they brought out a snake. At first I thought they had befriended the snake clan. But I soon realised that it was not so. This snake did not speak our tongue. He did not know our ways. And he was no friend to Toads. I could sense it. He had been the cause of all the deaths in the cottage. I fled.

The law was clear. I had forfeited a battle and compromised my people. I had to give up my kingship. That was a good thing though, because I then traveled far and wide. But that is a story for another day.

NUMBER 10. Slymee’s Legacy: A Note in the Museum.

Queen Pyra Cobthon the Two Hundred and Eighty Third, of the snake clan, had built a shrine for Slymee.  On their Tree of Poison, was hung up Slymee’s best skin, dyed blue. He got written down in their history books as The Notorious Mass Devourer of toads, bugs, bees and spiders. The shrine would be a common school hate trip destination where the snakelings would participate in a pledge which involved the glorification of simplicity and humbleness in living as opposed to Slymee’s hubris, gluttony, fame and lavish life. They would then sing the national anthem in praise of their Queen. The tradition has continued down the centuries.

Among the humans, Slymee began to be worshiped as Satan’s reincarnation. In their history books, God became the deceiver who had made the plague of Toads descend. Slymee came as their saviour. Long after his passing, Church walls rang with hymns to him, Voices from Mosques called out to him, Rituals and Pujas were done in honour of him. The whole world united in prayer to Slymee.

Slymee had saved Lady Bree and Looee in that cottage all those centuries ago. Slymee had eaten all those vicious toads until there were no more. Slymee lived on.