Friday 10 May 2013

The exquisite fear of the non-existent

She was walking down the road in the countryside , lined with tall bamboo reeds , gulmohars , mehendi trees and lots more . The sky was the darkest shade of blue . The sun had taken its bow quite a while ago . Incidentally , at this hour , there were no people out on the streets and the birds had kissed each other their last goodnights . The sound of the autumn leaves being crushed under her worn out chappal became the only disturbance in the silent pall that had descended on the landscape . This assumed a rhythm . After a while the pace quickened . It kept increasing till it could increase no longer . Then , abruptly , it stopped . The lady of interest was confronted by a figure with laterally outstretched arms. It was though , a few paces away . The night was foggy but not cold . In fact , the lady was sweating from the abrupt halt that had been fashioned due to the untoward appearance of this apparition . She was sure of the road . She was aware approximately where she was . She had traversed this route everyday once . It was the shortest way home from the tea fields and used to be her comfort back from work in the afternoon when she worked there . It had been a while since . But , she was sure of the road . She knew it like she did the back of her hand . The figure just encountered was never there . She had spent a minute wandering off into the attics and anterooms of her memories . She was jolted back into the present . A branch creaked above her head . Almost immediately , a chilly breeze blew that touched her and swayed the apparition but rustled not a leaf . Then , something swooshed across the road just behind her . Now , the figure approached her and quickened its pace . She turned on her heal and ran . She ran fast , but the specter followed . The lady ran and ran till she reached the town and knocked on her uncle's door .

There is no story beyond that . That is because this was the story told by my domestic helper , as an excuse to not leave the house one night , which she had heard from a friend of hers whose sister was the unfortunate lady in the account ! But beware ! If I so much as venture to say that the story does not make sense and that there could have been too much distortion in the narrative while it was being passed down the knowledge of two until it reached her , I am unfailingly branded as an unfeeling and weird one who will suffer for having hurt the sentiments of the victimized .

Well these people were rural illiterates . They stick to traditions and know no better . They can be excused . But what of those brilliant neighbours with MBAs and LLBs and MDs? I was at a party , one night , and we were all dancing . Unknowingly , I had been dancing right in front of a tulsi plant with , apparently of great importance , my hair open . All of a sudden , one of my friends pulled me aside and questioned me , in a very disturbingly distressed and agitated manner , how I didn't know that I was silently invoking spirits to attack me and that I had called upon a bad omen . When I inquired how the belief had come about when tulsi was actually considered "pure" in the Hindu religion , she turned red as a turnip ! How dare I pollute the place with a bad omen and then have the audacity to proceed to question the spiritual beliefs !

Another time a friend of mine was giving me an account of how her domestic helper had caught a spirit while walking under a mehendi tree and all the trouble she and her family had to go through to send away the phantom . I found this account a bit astonishing , simply because these stories were never , as a rule , first or second person narrations . Hers , though , seemed an exception . So , I meekly upheld that there was a mehendi tree at the gate of the bungalow where I resided and I had passed under it and stood under it at night , with open hair even , numerous times . To this she replied that I had a strong aura around me that prevented ghosts from coming to me . But , most others had a weak aura . Ghosts attacked only those who let them , that is those who couldn't make their aura strong enough . She assured me that I need never worry about my safety as far as "the other world" was concerned . Well , well , well . The only person who told a first person account of a phantom encounter had declared that she would never be able to prove its existence to me because I repelled ghosts . Maybe the "anonymous storyteller" rule wasn't broken after all .

Then there are these trifles like "never call somebody by his name from behind his back ; it is a bad omen" , "don't hand a needle to someone , pass it by rolling it through the floor or table" , and so on . But , undoubtedly , the most hilarious of all is the notion , "don't go ahead if a black cat crosses the road in front of you" . And , so , one fine , sunny day I go out cycling with my friend . A black cat runs across the street about two meters ahead of us . My friend stops and seeing him , I follow suit . I tell him it is silly and that there really is no basis to this belief . My incredulity makes him all the more reluctant . So , I ride off and go ahead of the place where the cat crossed the street . Nothing happens to me . According to his rule , now that someone has crossed that "line" , he is safe to go ; as though the omen sort of lifted out . Ironically , the moment he comes by my side , both the tyres of his cycle get punctured . Incredible , but true .

What is the result of all these experiences and more of the kind? It makes me wonder what kind of ghosts are these? Whatever kind they are , they are definitely better than rogue guys cornering you on dark empty lanes and bashing up your organs! But serials like "Shhh..... Koi hai......" and its sequel , "Shhh..... Phir Koi hai....." come up and ghost stories already exist in folklore and people just go about narrating those same things . There is nothing new or sizzling about any of the experiences anyone has ever told me . Well , people are afraid of the dark because they can't see things clearly and one feels secluded and alone in a mysterious environment . People repeat what they know and what they think they should be afraid of from those books and serials . The truth is that probably nobody knows what really to expect . Fear is not the mind telling you that something is about to go wrong . It is the mind telling you that there might be something there that you have never encountered and that you may not be best equipped to deal with it . It gives you a kind of warning against being hopeful and positive lest you should fail and be too disappointed . That is the case not just with the fear of darkness but with the fear of anything . Atleast , that is what I feel . And just now I am afraid to say it for sure lest it not be right .

Sunday 5 May 2013

You open a cupboard and random things just fall out onto your head!!

All this while I've been sitting and thinking of so many things , but the moment I sit down to write them they are gone ! I don't know and I don't care . I just feel free and very confident , although I haven't really done anything in my life as yet . I just feel an uncanny "happy" . Happy that I am out of school - well , not officially - but all the same , I will surely be . Isn't it outrageous that I'm just one month out of school and I barely remember any of those monstrous physics theories or those chemical reactions that glare out of the text book but don't really have much to say ? Why do people have to cram all those theories that don't make any sense to a highschooler ? Even so , I haven't done anything in my life yet . So , I don't get to pass judgements on such stuff - to others .

To myself - I can't help them . This is my diary . I know that a diary is meant for writing secret things to get them off one's mind and is locked away from everyone else . But , I tried it and realized that I couldn't just write it . I had to say it to someone . Some people talk to the diary . That didn't work for me either . I had to talk to real people . People physically around me would talk back and ask questions and contradict everything I say because things I blurted would be truly said by the "happy" bubble . That is why I blog and you read .

Obviously , reading somebody's thoughts - they are my thoughts exactly when I'm sitting idle , which I have been doing quite a bit lately - makes more sense if you can imagine the person , the voice . You don't have to be interested though . It doesn't matter . This is my diary .

Speaking of idleness , I have been reading Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray . It is definitely the most intriguing piece of literature that I have had the good fortune of reading so far .
"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book . Books are well written or badly written . That is all ."
 -- Oscar Wilde in The Picture of Dorian Gray ( preface ) . 

Influence - they are like those moral or immoral books . The other day I was watching one of the knockout rounds of  The Voice , season 4 . Adam Levine chose the subtle one while her opponent had blown away everybody with her amazing range , control and what not . Made me think - maybe the world wasn't made for only the big and the bad after all .

Anyway , my big fat bubble of "happy" is just getting bigger and bigger . Or , maybe , it isn't . Maybe , any of this doesn't make sense . So what , my "happy bubble" is happy and that is all that matters to me right now .